I’ve worked with children and their families for a very long time.  All parents want the best for their children.  They all love their children and have hopes and dreams for their children’s futures.  Yet sometimes, what adults do can destroy their child’s ability to have a healthy, happy, resilient future. Domestic violence can cause unintended harm to children, but there are things caregivers can do to help. 

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   Adults like to think that whatever they do in their personal relationships is “grown-up” business.  We like to think children are “too young to remember” or be affected by what we, adults, are doing.  However, those are things we tell ourselves to try to help us feel better.  The truth is, children are affected by domestic violence, even when they are out of sight or hearing when it happens.  They see and feel the fear, sadness, tension, injuries, damaged property, and related financial stress that may accompany domestic violence. 

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   Domestic violence is an unhealthy behavior pattern where one person controls another.  Control may be physical, verbal, emotional, sexual or financial.  It always affects the entire family.  Children feel scared when they hear angry words and loud voices.  They get confused when they hear parents demean each other, and they may lose respect for their parent(s).  They hear cries, things being broken and may see the fights or the injuries.  They may try to help, cry or scream and get the aggressor’s attention, and they may become targets and get hurt.

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   Many things affect how children respond to domestic violence: their age(s) around incidents, the frequency of the threats or violence, the severity of the threat or violence, how physically close the child is to the victim and abuser, the relationship between the child and the victim and abuser, whether there are other stressors occurring in their life, their temperament and capacity to cope with problems, whether they have other supportive relationships in their life, whether they are involved in positive activities, whether or not they were physically hurt or endangered, whether the domestic violence situation lasted a short or long amount of time, and whether (and how soon after) the child could safely share their experience.  Note: Having to keep domestic violence a secret increases harm to children and adds additional risk to the victim.

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   Domestic violence is one of the Adverse Childhood Experiences (ACEs), that increase the risk for developing problems like chronic health conditions, mental illness, or substance abuse in adulthood.  ACEs are common, but they’re also preventable.  By working together to make our community safe, children can avoid traumatic ACES, such as having a family member attempt or die by suicide, growing up in a household with substance misuse, or experiencing domestic violence, all things that cause children to feel unsafe.  Children need to feel safe and supported in their homes.  When parents can’t be there to ease their distress, they suffer in silence. This puts them at-risk for getting stuck in ways of being, thinking, or feeling that are not healthy:  blaming themselves for the fighting; blaming one or the other (or both) parents; thinking they need to do something to make things better, so they try to take care of one parent, becoming hyper-vigilant to what may set the controlling parent off; or staying away from the home to avoid the domestic violence; or being scared to leave the home, thinking they can help keep their parents safe.  In short, they are not able to be fully present growing, learning, developing and interacting with others as children are supposed to do.  They lose some, or all, of their childhood.

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   Children can also become overly compliant, trying to avoid mistakes or problems and be perfect, caring for younger siblings, or doing errands and chores that the parents neglected, in an effort to “fix” their family or keep it functioning.  They may not show outward signs of stress; however, the stress of controlling their impulses, speech, and actions can have long-term negative effects on their physical, emotional, and social well-being.  Others may show their stress by acting out in obvious ways, with problems at home, school, or in the community.  Coping with ACEs can result in immediate problems with children’s physical health, behavior, emotions, and school or can surface in adulthood. 

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   When ACES like domestic violence occur, there are things that parents, teachers, and other caregivers can do to remedy the effects on children.  Noticing changes in children’s emotions and behaviors and responding to them can help children regain a sense of safety and feel supported and cared for.  Feeling safe, supported, and connected helps ease their suffering and helps them recover and build resilience.  Changes that will let you know that they need help to feel safe may be increased fear/worry, anger, checking out (spacing out), sleep problems, being clingy, or having tantrums.  Ignoring these, especially if domestic violence continues, increases their risk of depression, anxiety, truancy/school failure, substance abuse, aggression and repeating the unhealthy relationship pattern of domestic violence.

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   Regardless of whether a child has experienced ACEs, one of the best protections for helping them develop resilience and grow in positive and healthy ways is having a strong relationship with a caring, non-violent parent.  Parents and other caring adults can help build resiliency by helping children feel safe and connected.  Try to have predictable routines, especially around meals and sleep.  Find ways to have fun together to connect.  Make eye contact and offer hugs, kisses, high fives, and other ways to help them feel connected.  Set clear limits and stick to them.  Be calm and firm, even when they test you.  Listen to them, validate their feelings and respond to them by reassuring them that you will do all you can to help keep them safe.  Tell the truth, even when it is hard, so they know they can trust you.  Celebrate their strengths and help them connect with other supportive adults and peers. These will help them regain a sense of safety and will help build a foundation for well-being and a healthy future.  

 

If you or someone you know feels unsafe or is experiencing a domestic crisis, help is available:

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9-1-1 for emergency police assistance

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Interior Alaska Center for Non-Violent Living https://iacnvl.org/services/  907-452-2293 (local Fairbanks area) or 800-478-7273

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Teens (ages 12-18) may seek safety and support at The DOOR 907-374-5678.  Resources for teens and parents are available at www.fairbanksyouthadvocates.org

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The National Domestic Violence Hotline (confidential; advocates available for safety planning; referrals in all 50 states) 800-799-7233 (800-799-SAFE)  www.thehotline.org

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Careline Crisis Line 877-266-HELP (1-877-266-4357)

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Alaska Network on Domestic Violence and Sexual Assault https://andvsa.org

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Child Help National Child Abuse Hotline 1-800-4-A-CHILD (1-800-422-4453) www.childhelp.org